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| i have so much on my mind, i don't really know where to begin. :)
well, to start it off, i suppose i changed a lot of my previous posts and made them
private. im realising i dont really need this blog. i dont know of
anyone who reads this (and they're not supposed to anyways..). i felt trapped since i couldnt fully
express myself on livejournal due to its publicity so i made use of
this xanga. but i've learned to let go and be as real as i could be on
lj. so yeah.. www.livejournal.com/~sweet_mango . thats the real deal.
what can take a dying man, raise him up to life again? what can heal
the wounded soul, what can make us white as snow? what can fill the
emptiness, what can mend our brokenness? ...mighty is the power of the cross .
it's december now. its winter. another year older. im legally allowed
to drive (get off the road cause im gonna kill you ..okay not funny,
but seriously). i've changed. He raised me up to life again :)
i've learned so much in the past couple of months. not only just in
school, but in life. i've been doing a lot of meditation, and reading a
book called captivating, which reveals the mystery of a woman's soul
and how God designed us to be. i am such a big mess. i never knew how
much i was hurt from that one death. i didnt know that it would create
such a big impact. then its just ilke the dominio effect..where i keep
getting wounded, disappointed, & scarred. but man, God's so
amazing...and he can heal the wounded soul...fill my emptiness, and
mend my brokenness.
hmm, recently i've been getting these constant moodswings. and then i
had this week when i was totally okay. and i realized that, that week
was different because this guy from school smothered me with attention.
although i was hurting inside & never even considered a future with
the boy, the attention felt really nice. but once i rejected him..i
lost that attention, the affection, and everything that came along with
it. what replaced the temporary joy were my constant moodswings. and i
thought pms was bad enough..pmsing 24/7 is very tiring.
apparently a woman is most beautiful when shes loved. ....and i want to be loved.
but what i never understood is that JESUS loves me..and he could
satisfy fully. that he could take up the place of the romancer....that
he does things for me everyday and he smothers me with love. those
stars in the sky? i was on His mind when He made them (and so were
you). the pretty snowfall which brightens up my day... he allowed it to
come for me. like..it's a weird concept.. but HE loves me. although i
am still healing, and trying to fully understand what it means to have
Jesus to complete me... im on my way.
so yeah.. :) i feel more alive now. ive been doing HIS work through
little things... but i guess im focused more on building up a strong
foundation right now. i've been really enjoying the time where i can be
alone. i dont know why.. but i've taken interest in plants lately.
haha..my friend bought me a rose and its been a little more than a ewek
and somehow its still alive! and my toher friend bought me a plant of
aloevera..and i bought myself a "garden-in-a-bag". they're supposed to
be a bunch of colourful flowers. i dont know why..but nature seems to
reveal a glimsp of HIS beauty.. and its calming. so im enjoying myself.
=) yeah. i know im gonna be challenged to step out of this comfort zone
soon. :) mooharhar.
it's a miracle to me, and its still a mystery. it's a miracle to me the power of God, for those who believe.
thank You for the Cross... love the cross... so powerful... what can
take a dying man, raise him up to life again... thank you Jesus... by
your wounds we are healed, by your wounds we are saved. mighty is the
power of the cross.
| | |
| [music: lifehouse - come back down]
alright so this is all random and my thoughts will be all over the place. :) please forgive me.
SO, let's say i DO put faith into this specific thing and
totally trust God about it, but when HE finally reveals to me what
shold happen, and it doesnt match my plans..wouldn't i get disappointed
and hurt? im sure His answer will be for the best.. but the fact that
it's not what you expected, would be startling, and maybe a bit
overwhelming to swallow at first, woudlnt it? i know im looking at this
with the wrong attitude. if i do put forth all my trust and faith in
God for this specific thing, then i wouldn't even be worried about
"what if's", since i would be FULLY RELYING ON GOD.
i prayed about it before.. i asked if i was supposed to "let go".
i knew the answer was "yes". i knew i had to let go.. but like.. i
think i mixed it up with letting go of the friendship, and letting go
of all my plans. y'know, there are many different types of women.
there's one specific type that, i probably would be categorized under.
have you ever met a woman who's super bosy, who likes to take control,
who's on top of things, who's DOMINATING. (alright so im not THAT
dominating.. but if i could be i would be). those women refuses to be
vulnerable and they will always guard their deepest hurts. they have
the mindset of being independent and staying strong. ahha. oh man im so
sick of that. im so sick of putting on a face, and smilling even though
im like completely out of it inside. im pretty expressive about my
emotions, so i may not seem like the type to "stay strong", but i think
i am. gotta get through it.. can't lose face.. can't fall.. can't
fail.. can't look desparate.. can't look weak.. can't look vulnerable..
gota make it through life on my own because i CAN and I WILL. but
thats.. not what im supposed to do. God has a perfect plan for me, but
i HAVE to take control. why?! is it because im insecure? is it because
its the "safe" way to do things so i wont get any more hurt? ..maybe it
is. im the type of person who needs a direction. dude..i already kno
where i wanan go to university.. i have my backup plans if things fail,
AND ..i have a tentative sketch of what im gonna do after uni. i think
that's why it's so hard. its so hard for me to TRUST God with
this. i have this need to know where im heading, and everything is
a blur right now.
i had plans. MY plans. so far.. the plan is to wait until i get
into uni, then i'll try talking again. meanwhile, i will concentrate on
school and focus on growing spiritually, to grow into a WOMAN. yep. i
mean..the school and growing part is awesome, but i gotta give up what
i have in mind for this friendship's future. first of all,
this is my side, not my friend's. and somehow, this plan doesnt
exactly seem to fit God's plan. so what am i doing?
before i was convinced that this was right. i was
convinced that we'll be good friends again and we'll talk like we used
to. but i started to doubt. so am i doubting right now? am i
losing faith? or am i just facing reality? maybe im focusing
on the wrong thing. maybe i shouldn't be thinking about it. i just need
to live.
HAHA. what is wrong with me. so many battles within myself. i
guess im a deep person.. i think most females are (or will be). guess
it must take a brave man to dive into a heart of a woman..cause if i
was a guy, i woudl definitely not want to dive into mine.
Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out. ~Anton Chekhov | | |
| i promised myself not to update on xanga for a month. well it's been exactly 4 weeks since that night when both of them told me they stopped liking me.. so heck.. its long enough.
unionville has been totally awesome so far.. i cant even begin to
count my blessings cause there are so many. I cant believe HOW MANY
CHRISTIANS there are!! whether they're strong or not.. tahts a
different issue..but there are SO MANY opportunities to really create a
revival in this school!! so yeah..im settling in.. and i mean.. i went
to jasmine's place tonight and lindsay, jasmine, kristen & i PRAYED
TOGETHER for our food. i was..wow i never did that before with a group
of SCHOOL friends y'know? though i still dont completely "fit in".. the
adjustment rate is completely phenomenal XD God's so gracious!
today i was in the car on my way home from work...."bridge over
troubled waters" was on the radio..and my dad scolded me when i wanted
to change the station lol! and i thought, well it must've reminded him
of the "olden days" =P and then it led to the topic of mom and him. i
asked him how he met mommy and hes like in high school. and he
said, i'll never forget the good times we had when we were "pak
gun tor". i was like aww.. and hes like yeah ur mom and i dated for 9
years before we got married. and i was like 0___0!! they dated since my
dad was in grade 12!! and my mom was in grade 11. OMGOSH.. HOLY CRAP
thats like.. MY AGE. ... YEAH THATS MY
AGE.. since my mom had a late birthday. omgooooooooooooosh. okay that
just hit me. but i cant believe they stayed together for nine bloody
years and still got married. they waited for each other *sniff sniff*
thats so cute. i wish i could know more.. but its so awkward bringing
up my mom and just talking to my dad in general. but it felt so good..
to know about my parents relationship. its actually such a strong love
story.... wow.. and my dad's been there with my mom through it all. my
mom's so lucky -___-" haha. but DANG!! they were married for 25 years
(okay so do the math.. my dad's old =P) . 25 + 9 years. omgosh.
that..is.. so ..weird. such a long time.
anyways.. thought that was interesting. ngoh yee ga mo mut see lor,
je hai yow ho dor see lum ju dee wou yick, dan hai mahn mahn ho fahn
la. haaaiiiii.. hay mong ngoh tong hou geh pung yow gwan hai fai d ho
fahn...yun wai ngoh ho gwah ju hou ah. ngoh ho seung yew fahn gum ho
geh pung yow, dan hai yu gor yee how do mm wou ho fahn, gum do okay
geh. :) PSALM 32:8!! =)
| | |
| You are best described as 'Emotional Support'. Anytime an emotional issue comes up or something stresses people out, you are there to help them feel better about it. Whether you are the prankster of the bunch, the funny one, the wild one, or just the shoulder to cry on - your traits favor what it takes to keep people going. You like large groups of people and have many friends. When something hits home for you, however, you have a hard time with it. You also have difficulty paying attention or focusing on one thing. Above all, though, if people are happy, you are happy.
possibly. =) | | |
| ahhh. i normally used livejournal, but its down right now and im going..insane. church is driving me..crazy. y'know u think school would give you the stress, and it'll give you the emotional breakdown but in my case? its church.
serving God isnt serving anymore. i mean, i actually really enjoy it.. but then people gave me more and more stuff to do. promiseland? cat ministry? hosanna pc? SF&E drama team? ushering? what else? because i know theres always more.
i really dont mean to complain.. i just wish i could be more content. i dont want to serve in the church as if its a chore. but dosent ANYONE realize the stuff on my plate? does anyone really appreciate me for what i do around fellowship? yea, you're not supposed to get credit for what you do because you're doing it for Gods glory and not ur own. but so what? so im supposed to be heading up the caring department for my fellowship. planning comittee is driving me CRAZY. cant the committee itself first learn to care for eachother first? im supposed to be caring for the felloswship, when i myself IS the outcast? so what if i can openly approach strangers and greet them? so what if i make people feel fit in? im sick of always going out there and caring for people. (acutally im doing a pretty bad job too). i need someone to care about me.
so the '87 crew left and moved up to the university fellowship. a lot of the people in our fellowship's gone now. all the leaders. so now im here. people changed...once they went to aletheia, yeah. they're growing spiritually in communion with others. i wish i can too >__< they have older people to look up to.. and when they were the leaders last year, they had each other. but this time? this generation of "leaders"? my energy is draining.. my patience is running out. its like everything i do just isnt enough. is there ever a break? is this what God calls me to do? which battles should i pick?
the fellowships fine. hosanna's going along fine. people look at the statistics, and see the number of people is growing and they're happy. the felloswship members are in their lil cliques, and they're happy. SF&E drama team? combined with people from both university and high school fellowship? we have lots of laugh.. but my relationship with everyone's so shallow. my 'mentor's? they're in univeristy. too busy for me now. promiseland? i dont think im meant to be teaching little kids. i dont have the energy.
i've been thinking about options lately. and about my future. i basically know where im headed. and i wanta job, but i cant keep up with badminton and wind ensemble and church responsibilities/meetings if i want a job. sigh.
ehn. so maybe i've been feeling a lil.. lonely? but maybe its in this time when God speaks.
maybe God didnt call me to be a tc captain this year because he thinks i need a break. maybe the cruise will be a good break. maybe i'll meet some cool frkiends, or maybe i'll find time to be alone and do devotions. whatever it is...march break. hurry up and arrive. | | |
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